At the end of the day I am still an atheist. At best I am agnostic.

I acknowledge the scientific possibility for many universes, and my own study of the mind and brain leaves my jaw on the floor due the awe I feel for infinite possibilities.

The more I learn from philosophy the more I realize we are all but grasping imperfectly and that perceptions are colored by so many things that they are never fully perfect. Knowledge is a flavor in a vast unseen spectrum of more knowledge. We are lost.

I believe that I can’t say with certainty that there is a God, and to say that there is a God and call that act all by itself virtue is usually a misguided and primitive step backwards.

However I once intensely believed in God. I gave my life to this belief, I put my money where my mouth was. I allowed young people who were having family and financial problems to live at my house, making it look like a squat. I did this for years and called it ministry.

I had a bible study which met weekly, I had a church which was my benefactor and payed for my radical ministerial attempts to co-opt my local subculture.

I attended countless bible studies, retreats, prayer meetings.

And I  was trained in a way in prayer.

It is attributed to Aleister Crowley that he said “Invoke often, and enflame thyself in prayer.” Though finding the source is proving tricky.

I have been pondering this lately.

I have a mantra prayer I have written and repeat often, this seems to be the Catholic approach. I like it enough. But in the Assemblies of God, baptism of the Holy Ghost, speaking in tongues style of Christianity I learned different approaches to prayer.

There is a prayer from the internal dialogue which can be thought of as talking to god. One can also see it as communicating with the Holy Guardian Angel. This can lead to imagination work, vision work, the body of light.

And these kind of uses of it have been demonstrated by the Charismatic Christian mainstream. They call it prophetic prayer.

I have also learned to truly try to channel my mind with god in compassion and will for positive outcomes in another person’s life. This was often done as we prayed for the “salvation” of our friends. What an aeon of Osiris nincompoopery!

Now I am more likely to pray for the actualization of my friends.

I believe that this is where the evolution of prayer is going for me. To truly use prayer as a vehicle for compassion. I have found a great Jon Kabat Zinn guided meditation which I think is perfect for this.

I believe that for me focusing my prayer on others for now will drive my development.
I have started to have this kind of conspiracy theory that God, the monotheist God, was created as a pythagorean alchemical equation by ancient hermetic magicians. That they wanted something to command all the awe of the natural world, all the potency of the polytheistic pantheon, and all the benevolence of the sages and saviors of mankind.
How wise were these ancient mysterians to attribute compassion, love, and well being to this God.
I can invoke this God as easily as any others. In fact if I have any true initiatory background to lend weight to my work it has to have been earned in blood sweat and tears from my Christian days.
I believe that compassion unlocks certain parts of the human psyche. That it allows one to see the best in themselves and find hidden energy by their willingness to actively care for others.
In this lies the true power of prayer.

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