Weight Loss and Magick an Experiment in Progress

Posted: October 10, 2011 in Mind, Memes, Myth- My Specific Approach to Magick, Uncategorized

So much of what I have been up to in my occult work  lately  is measured by one detail above all others: my weight loss.

I feel like I am at a crisis point.

A few years ago I was discussing with my family physician about the history of diabetes and heart disease in my maternal family. My maternal grandfather died at about the age of 50 from a diabetes related heart attack, and problems related to obesity seem to persist in my maternal line.

For most of my adult life I have weighed over 220 lbs. I am 5’9.

This makes me obese.

My physician said get under 200 lbs. and stay there for the rest of your life.

Sound advice it would seem.

In fact I have become pretty much convinced that if I don’t follow my doctor’s orders I will find myself in the latter half of my life.

I have not always been fat.

For a few years in my early 20s, long before this advice was given, I achieved this. Getting to under 190 lbs.  There were several factors at play, a major one was that I was an intensely religious Christian and I tied my exercise and diet deeply and purposefully to my faith and my devotional work as a Christian.

When I was under 200 lbs, life was totally yielding to me.  Women were interested, social barriers were less than they have ever been, and since I was singing in a Christian heavy metal band called Plague of Locusts, I was able to enjoy the difference of being the fit guy on stage vs. being the fat guy on stage.

I tend to be in bands. I am not in one right at the moment, but will soon be fixing that problem.

Usually I am fat when I am in bands, and usually I am the lead singer. One can tell a huge difference between being the fat lead singer and the fit one. When you are the fat lead singer its hard to get the audience interested, and you are always (at least on some level) a joke.

I think this extends to all aspects of life, from my band experience to how one is treated in a line at the bank or the post office. Being fat tends to set off a negative response in so many others.

Not that I am complaining, I think we fat people need to be honest with ourselves about this and decide if its worth it.

Due to my studies of positive psychology, and knowing what kind of emotional hinderances we experience in various situations I think I know what was going on in my mind that I was able to maximize towards weight loss.

1.) I was deeply motivated. I was motivated by my extremely active spiritual life as a Christian, and I saw nearly universal meaning in all that I did. My music, which was also religious in nature, and the need to perform/preach added even more fuel to the fire.

This is something I am adapting now as an occultist. One of my original goals in studying the occult was to attain the same energy levels I once experienced as a charismatic/evangelical christian.

So much of what I have been doing has allowed me to meet this goal.  My practice of Liber Resh. My sex magick. My Chakra work. My Tarot/Qabalah work. And my Qabalah work is explicitly tied to my weightloss, since I have to attain weightloss goals before attaining the next Sephiroth.

2.) I was able to use this motivation to maintain a long term habit of healthy eating and exercise.

It took me a long time to figure out how to do this with my Christian energy, my channeling of the Holy Spirit. My sense of destiny. My trances and ecstasies born of prayer.

It has taken me relatively less time to figure out how to do this with my occult/Thelemic practice. I have been practicing habits for the last few weeks that have been my goals for years. But I am channeling my magickal energy, my magickal visions, and most importantly my magickal will towards my weightloss.

The true test will be to see the results in a few months, a few years, etc. But my non-negotiable true will in this matter is to lose weight. And I can defend this as an aspect of my true will to all Thelemic dogmatists who would be detractors.

3.) I was experiencing a positive feedback loop of reinforcement as I attained attention and social rewards for my weightloss.

This is always in the back of my mind of one concrete pay off for realizing my goals.

Let us admit that there are social consequences for being overweight. You are automatically seen as weak willed, oafish, slow, and if not outright unattractive, than less attractive than you would be. I can definitely tell the difference between how I am treated when I am over 200 lbs. and under 200 lbs.

Obesity is an alarming problem in our society, and if I were to find a way to overcome my own obesity whatever it was would be worth the effort.

I look back to the last time I was successful and I recall that I was following a mostly vegan diet, though I was never fully vegan. Meat and cheese were a treat that was indulged occasionally. Grains, fruits, and raw vegetables were most of my diet. I was also running a minimum of 2 miles a day, and usually biking 3 or 4 in addition.

I lost all that weight in a relatively short period of time. About 6 months. I kept it off for about a year. Losing it in such a short period of time also allowed me to experience great social reward for my successes.

In my mind I was losing weight because the Lord was perfecting me. I had a duty to preach the gospel and share the Holy Spirit, and my band was that vehicle. I was brimming over with purpose, and through that sense of purpose I was achieving, succeeding.

So what went wrong.

My celibacy ended, and one can say this was the cause of all my problems but I doubted. I had gone several years without sex and it only made me fatter and allowed all manner of sexual anxieties to compile. I believe all my sexual abstinence got me was a lack of sexual development at an age where I should have already been proficient.

My celibacy was not a sex magick tantric reserve of my Lingham and Yang energies. I had no sex, but I did not conserve my semen.

The events that followed were crucial, but my disillusionment with Christianity would never recover. I had a wonderful life which included traveling all over the country. Giving myself over 100% to political activism in Santa Cruz, CA ( a great place to do this if you are an anarchist of any sort), and exploring my stunted sexuality with my new girlfriend. A 31 year old cougar, who taught me more than any teacher or professor when I was in my early 20s. I loved her. I will always be grateful to her, but when we broke up, I got fat again.

I just gave in. I ate all I wanted. All the time. And while not consciously trying to fall back into a lifestyle of celibacy, being fat imposed it on me.

2 times after this I managed to succeed in getting down to 215 lbs. At this weight I seem to attract wives. I am on my second one.

In the case of my first wife I started putting the weight back on after about 6 months, as I was starting college, late. A non-traditional student. My obesity has always been tied to my anxieties.

Now that I am using yoga, magick, meditation, vision work, I am diligent to be on guard against weakness related to my anxieties.

So I hope to be able to write  a part 2 to this post announcing that I met my next several weightloss goals.

The markers are by the pound. 210 lbs. 200 lbs. Once I achieve 200 lbs. I will announce my next goal.

Let see if this magick shit is worth its metal.

 

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  1. […] Weight Loss and Magick an Experiment in Progress […]

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